musings xi: silences

[caihong]

i swear i've been sitting on a pile of fics that i've been meaning to write commentary/extended author notes on for yonks but it is finals season and i'm in a procrastinating mood so... here's a commentary on silences. my very first men's football rpf fic, which spurred (this pun will get severely abused) a whole bunch afterwards. 

i wish i could do a cutison primer as a prelude to this but there is so much lore and as a fan who fell into the prem early-2020, fell out of it during/after COVID, and only came back during the women's world cup and for the 23/24 season, i feel like i would be ill-prepared to do that. but if you're reading this, this can be a preview or teaser for a primer because a lot of this fic was based off real events :')

(i also have this tweet from last year: 



this being tweeted on march 24, 2023... i have no idea what i watched back then but i must have felt #compelled. and now i am very much Here! [head in hands])

[fabrizio romano tweet] here we go:

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• the title: taken from a poem called Syntax by Ulalume González de León (translated from Spanish by Terry Ehret, John Johnson, & Nancy J. Morales)
  
  • "no pensarte es impensable / como una frase de silencios / interrumpidos por silencios." 
  • the translation: "not thinking of you is unthinkable / like a phrase of silences / interrupted by silences."
  • i love this poem so much for how romantic it is, how visceral the infatuation and attraction comes across in the translation.
  • fun fact: i specifically chose spanish poems or poems that had also been translated into spanish because this was written from cristian's perspective!
• it's a future fic, split into 2021: the year cristian joined spurs, 2031: ten years after that, and 2023: the current year at the time of writing 
  • classic caihongs to infuse this with established relationship tropes and domestic fluff. isn't nice to think about sharing a home with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? 
  • that being said this is canon-comp (tagged divergence for the future speculation) and i'm aware that cristian is happily married with a child but again, this is rpf and not real! 

• "He’ll tackle a striker with such force that he’ll fall back and roll for yards, only to get back on his feet in a second. Cristian cares so much that he’ll hurt for it and when it’s him that’s wronged, he’ll make sure you know what you’ve done, both on the field and off."
  • cuti's loyalty to the club, unbeknownst to me as a new-ish fan, was doubted due to suspiciously-timed injuries and breaks from club football that always fell around international breaks, but his quality as a centre-back can still never ever be denied. he plays for the club like it's his last and even under horror conte-ball, he was putting in the hard yards, even if he was quick to anger and got sent off more often than he should have. he's loyal, devoted, and talented beyond belief, and this year with his vice-captaincy, i think that shines through especially. i assume that this bleeds through his own personality as well even if he separates work from home-this silly taurus could probably hold a mean grudge if he tried.
• "He pulls his hair and pushes and shoves him to say ‘I love you’, that he missed him, and that he’s Cristian’s. He’ll pull him up after a tackle, threaten to hurt anyone who taunts him on the field, would protect him in a way a knight would a kingdom, and well—he’s not sure what he did to deserve this."
  • cuti is obsessed with roughhousing his teammates, especially sonny. i feel like we have had so many instances of it, i couldn't even link one if i tried but @/hourlycutison and @/cutieson717 are good shouts for the archive. god bless the fujos <3
  • "...a knight would his kingdom" - hint for an upcoming au that i'm trying to get done for sonny's birthday...
  • he is so affectionate and shows it in so many ways, from his social media posts to his interviews and how complimentary and well-spoken he is. but i imagine when they first started playing together, that man city appearance which only preempted many more after he signed for the club permanently, sonny probably didn't know what hit him.
  • during their pre-season friendly against sevilla in korea where gonzalo montiel tried to square up with sonny, cuti goes to split them up, presumably because they're teammates in the argentina nt - but often he's usually the first to help heungmin up after being fouled or tackled if he's in close proximity.
  • see: their visit to korea in pre-season break 2022 where a few of them are reacting to moments from the 21/22 season and cuti says he loves sonny... "no me lo toques a Sonny que es mío" (don't touch sonny, he's mine) - this takes me out every time i rewatch it. the full version is here but without english subs for cuti, emerson, or rodrigo.

• "cásate conmigo: hazme (no, no completo) / sino un poco más vivo de lo que alguna vez he estado."  - taken from Let's Get Married by José Olivarez (translated from the English by David Ruano González)
  • english translation: "...marry me: make me (no, not complete) / but a little more alive than i’ve ever been."
  • this poem is another romantic corny one but translated from english to spanish, which i thought was pretty cool! given it was dedicated to a couple for their wedding, the content of this poem is the epitome of every vow ever and i thought set up the next section of this fic well. 
• "“Siempre?” The syllables roll around his tongue with practised ease as Heungmin leans down to look at him. Hopeful and waiting, as if Cristian hasn’t spent the better half of a decade showing him that." 
  • the dialogue in the beginning is very much me thinking about how sonny is definitely keeping that healthy head of black hair until he's old and wrinkly, despite how much cuti has tugged and pulled at it. also ten years on from them knowing each other, my headcanon is that he's picked up a decent bit of spanish - enough to sweeten up cuti's family and be cheeky when he wants. cuti's korean on the other hand, is appalling. his english needs work too but he's trying his best.
• "The way their hands clasp when Cristian would drive the ball away and take possession, paving a way for Kane to pass and Son to score, and Heungmin would celebrate like he was the one who buried the ball in the net. Pointing to the number four, to the number seventeen, making him feel like a champion every other week."
  • i was thinking of this game (tot v lei, 2022) although it was a deki assist not a h one, this is still one of the best build-ups to goal i've seen - this double tackle is insane (they chat about it in the reaction to 21-22 highlights!) 
  • there's a video of this that i can't find for the life of me but here's sonny pointing at the back of cuti's shirt after the goal T___T
  • 
• "His hair isn’t falling out, but there is a sprinkle of grey and white if Cristian looks closely. Thirty-nine means that his captain hasn’t played in almost three years, that it’s been three years without him winning championships, scoring goals, and running down the field, fingers pointing to his kit and poised at the camera."
  • ahhh the passage of time... shown in wrinkles, achey knees, and salt and pepper hair. reckoning with the fact that sonny will have to retire some day actually makes me feel miserable, even if it's years from now </3 i want to see him scoring goals and smiling and laughing doing what he loves forever. and it's definitely not at 36 but for writing's sake, i thought 10 years after they first met would be a little more poetic.
• "Cristian has won the World Cup, has been there for everything Heungmin has won, defending like his life depended on it, and still, nothing beats this. His face in the crook of Heungmin’s neck, vanilla cologne coming in waves as they curl around each other on the couch."
  • everything he has won being champions leagues, league titles, cups, intl tournaments, you name it. i am manifesting so many trebles in heungmin's career regardless of the state of thfc atm... we gotta microdose delusion to make it through this reality.
  • sonny has stated that he loves vanilla-scented perfume and uses tom ford's vanille fatale and profumum roma's vanitas - this is a little tidbit i love to include in my fics with him! 
• "Still, he misses his home, where the sun would always shine and the people live and breathe the sport much like the English do, but not in the same way... Keepy-uppies in the morning on the way to school and dreaming about playing for Belgrano at night. Him and his family crowded around the TV, crying together when Messi scored for Barcelona. Wondering if he’d ever be able to do that for the rest of his life."
  • cuti talks about winning the wc here (the whole video is a treat! lots of sonny mentions too <3) and how the argentinians are a bit crazy when it comes to football and extrapolated on it being a childhood dream of his to play for his hometown club belgrano (see: getting to know cuti romero) to idolising messi :'))
• "Nobody has believed in him more than Heungmin, he thinks. He believed Argentina had a chance at winning the cup in 2022 and Cristian had laughed at him." 
  • see here, here, and here - heungmin is so confident, genuine, and open with his praise for his teammates but here especially with how emotional argentina's win was... it was something i had to include. 
• "Although he’s often reprimanded for how hard he plays the game, Cristian argues that Heungmin is just as bad. There are always losses to make the wins taste better but some cut like knives through paper skins and their jerseys are undoubtedly marred with blood, sweat, and shame. Heungmin, the forward that plays multiple positions all at once, unintentionally carries his grief with him. It’s signed, stamped, and sealed by unwavering faith in him from millions of South Koreans, the Lilywhites who called him captain, and his father’s gaze on his back like a force of encouragement and at times, a target."
  • heungmin's been pretty vocal with how angry he gets after a bad performance (see here) and how it's almost excessive - his father also contacts him after tough days to comfort him and their relationship is really sweet, despite how hard he was trained and pushed as a kid (tough love is what sonny always attributes his attitude and belief to). the 22/23 season was one to forget and so was the asian games run this year, but he's always shone during those times despite it all. he plays in midfield, left wing, striker, and several other positions off the pitch all at once for club and country, and everyone has a lot to say on him, both good and bad, but he stays standing. his strength and tenacity is something to admire i think- no one will ever be like him. 
  • i could write a whole character study/essay on him but apart from being my favourite player, he really is such a wonderful human being who deserves everything in the world <3
• "But again, it wouldn’t deter Cristian from loving him. No hair, no teeth, no libido—Cristian is a man who wakes up in the same bed as a god. There is everything worth worshipping. / Heungmin looks at him, endeared and it makes Cristian feel like a child. What do the six years between them have to do with anything? They’re both in their thirties and yet, there is something in the way he looks at him that makes Cristian want to hide. Like he hasn’t already bared his soul for him.'
  • i love their dynamic so much... the six years between them seem smaller/larger because heungmin is still so youthful at his big age of 31, and cristian's appearance and #aura ages him up significantly - but in the end, they're both always going to want and take care of each other unconditionally. 
  • cuti's heart is flayed open for heungmin it's true.
• “"Of course. You love me too much, Cuti.” / They’re on exercise bikes, backs facing the window and against the sun, breaking a sweat before their training session."
  • iconic moment. a pillar in the cutison lore.
• "Heungmin slumped over the laps of Emerson and Gollini, Cristian’s mouth at the top of his spine, hands in his hair and pummelling his back."
  • another iconic moment. this shit is crazy honestly. 
• "Cristian’s lips on his temple. A wet towel slapped against his ribs. Heungmin pushing him away by the apple of his cheek. Cold water shoved down the back of his scrimmage vest. Pushing and nudging and jabbing each other during training. Catching Heungmin in a headlock, arm glued to his shoulder and hand wrapped around his neck. Fingers knotted at the front of each other’s shirts. Captain armband slid off one arm for another."
  • i feel ill at the number of hyperlinks in this paragraph but if i'm going to do this commentary, i'm going to do it right! there are so many more devastating pictures, gifs, and videos of these things happening and they really don't need to be doing all that. esp when they were in korea, something shifted... that entire training yt video is them fooling around i'm sick!!! i hope everyone reading this suffers with me too.
• "There’s a small seven on his shoulder, where the skin pulls taut against the bone. He got it tattooed a few years back after they’d won the Champions League and Heungmin hadn’t noticed until they were lying on a beach in Buenos Aires and caught sight of it in the light. First, he was upset, then he was touched, then he started tearing up, and Cristian hadn’t known what to do but joke and say it was for Ronaldo."
  • cuti has a lot of tattoos and most of them sentimental - i imagine a small seven tattoo wouldn't even be that obvious but sonny sees it anyway and starts bawling on the beach. cuti knows sonny would not get a tattoo on his life but knows how much he means to him anyway :') and we both know that cutison are messi > cr7 . don't ask stupid questions!
• "When Cristian folds his fingers over Heungmin’s knuckles, he wonders when he should bring the last piece of silverware home. /  “Will you take care of me?” Cristian asks quietly. / Heungmin looks at him as if he’s just asked him to marry him. Maybe that’s what this is, the prelude. Overture to the question, to the rest of their lives."
  
  • [olivia wilde nod] yup... cuti proposes to sonny + i love subverting the typical r/s dynamics associated with a ship i.e. to put it crudely, cuti!top and sonny!bttm, and in my mind, they are both switches who take immense pleasure in looking after each other.

• "y besarnos como nunca antes, esta es mi forma / de pedirte que no te dejes caer / en la aspiradora del duelo, que hay vida / soñándose contigo después del dolor, vámonos, quiero / soñarlo al menos, dejarnos llevar por la esperanza que nace / de las ilusiones más salvajes, son ellas las que en la tristeza / nos salvan, sálvanos." - taken from Let It Go by Mariana Berenice Bredow Vargas (translated from the Spanish by Forrest Gander)
  • english translation: "we’ll kiss like never before, this is my way / of asking you not to let yourself fall / into the vacuum of grief, there’s life / dreaming you past the pain, let’s go, I want / to dream it too, to let ourselves be taken by some nascent hope / born from wildest illusions, the ones that in our sadness / save us, save us."
  • this poem is particularly heart wrenching... in the end you don't have to suffer through anything on your own. when someone loves you, they want to help you hold it too, and there is always something on the horizon to look forward to. 
• "He spares Heungmin a look before he presses a palm into his sternum and the other around his back to manoeuvre him. He moves easily with him." 
  • see here - ah... my captain + vice-captain <3
• the transcript here is from the matchday uncut and the spurs play post-match interview for bur v tot - a favourite of mine because of the hatty and cristian's banger goal. when sonny swears (says bollocks LOL) it's genuinely one of my favourite moments of his ever... he was so happy here i would do anything to bring that smile back to him </3

anyways! that was a long ride. i'm both impressed and terrified of my remarkable memory considering i didn't need to think twice before finding these sources again - hopefully it's a nice archive for any other cutison lovers as well <3___<3 if anyone wants to talk about these two in great detail, i am all ears! thank you for reading, especially if you got up to here!