writing: i want you so bad

[caihong]

idolverse!jukev for #tigerinside2022 day 3: delicate/unrestrained

rating: teen
archive warning: no archive warnings apply
relationship: juyeon/kevin
word count: 1.5k+

 

 

It took five dollars and a dream.

 

Okay, Juyeon wishes it was only five dollars and a dream that got him here. Not his childhood, formative years, and immense dedication and sacrifice.

 

But to be an idol is one in every five kid’s dream in this country and Juyeon would be remiss to unacknowledge his luck alongside everything else. While dancing and singing as a career is more than fulfilling, there are some days that bring him a few steps backward and make him more than just nostalgic for the past. Whether it was basketball games out in the open air, no hat or masks on to cover up his facial features let alone distract from his height, or even studying in the stuffy classrooms of his high school, pencil in his hand instead of a microphone, he misses it all. Chasing what he can never get back is not a good idea, he knows that, but sometimes when one is being seared alive in the limelight, they tend to reminisce about the days when there wasn’t a boom on top of their head and a LED light staring them in the face.

 

All in all, he takes what he can get and with every new award they grab at music shows and at the end of the year, he feels a little better about himself. It’s not all that bad when he has his name plastered on billboards and ads for instant noodles and clothing brands, let alone the train stations when January rolls around. It’s not bad at all.

 

It’s even better when he has his members around. They know exactly what he’s feeling and probably share his feelings on occasion. Juyeon is not narcissistic by any means but amidst recognising privilege, a wounded mind and bitter disposition is still painful even if it isn’t a broken arm. He has his brothers to lean on in rough times, and to celebrate with in even better times, so he’s the last person who would be chucking a fit in this situation.

 

However, when he does think about what he missed out on while trapped in the practice rooms of Loen, one senior comes to mind. Long, brown hair that flicked into the face of whichever poor fool was in her way, books in her arms and a bag strap around her shoulder. She exuded a kind of confidence Juyeon wasn’t sure if he wanted for himself, or was just attracted to in general. In another life, she would have made a great idol too. She had the smarts and wrangled positions like Class President in all years of high school, as far as Juyeon remembered. There was always a swatch of pink glitter on her eyes and a rose-coloured lip tint that Juyeon found himself staring at, caught when he wasn’t careful. If he hadn’t auditioned, perhaps completed suneung with a SKY university and conventional ambitions in mind, maybe they could have been something. Or so he likes to believe.

 

Then there were the crushes on the trainees who would come and go. Some girls, some boys, even some stragglers that he’d met in his dance class who would stay for a few months then leave for another company or other prospects. Juyeon was steadfast in getting into the debut line-up, but he couldn’t help but let his eyes wander from time to time. He was sixteen after all! Yet, nothing ever came to fruition, for he would rather eat his own fist than make himself vulnerable with a relationship that could well and truly end his career. He was also a big wuss, but that was neither here nor there.

 

So, as fate would have it, he would experience his first and last love after he debuted and got to taste the poisoned chalice of success.

 

Kevin Moon. Moon Hyungseo. The bane of Juyeon’s existence.

 

If you told Juyeon he would be falling head over heels for a Canadian, for lack of better word, theatre twink, he would have laughed in your face. And yet, here he is, chasing after said guy and all of his idiosyncrasies and hobbies and budding TikTok career.

 

In the past few months, they haven’t hung out one-on-one unless put next to each other in the Carnival or in the green room. Despite this, Juyeon is still trying his hardest at SuperStar TBZ and relishing in Kevin’s muffled laughter as he watches him fail miserably. He asks Kevin for movie recommendations and to see pictures of his snake even if Juyeon could not find it in himself to care about a ball python.

 

He is down bad so to speak, and the thing is, Kevin has no damned clue.

 

“You know Juyeon has a crush on you,” Jaehyun states plainly, and Kevin’s cheeks heat up instantly. He continues to draw lines on his iPad, trying to ignore his member’s piercing gaze.

 

“I am aware of it, yes.”

 

“For the sake of all of us, both in this dorm and the other, can you at least talk to him? Let him down easy or take him out on a date. I’m begging you,” Jaehyun pleads and Kevin acquiesces, sliding his pencil into the side of his case.

 

“It makes everything weird the moment I acknowledge it hyung.”

 

“It already is weird Kevin-ah! I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t,” he whines, nuzzling his head into Kevin’s arm aggressively.

 

“Okay! Okay! I’ll—I’ll talk to him about it.” The shine in Jaehyun’s eyes could blind a man.

 

It should be easy.

 

Hey Juyeonie. I know you’ve harboured a crush on me for the past year or so and I just want to say that—

 

Dear Juyeon. I hope this email receives you well. I have heard that you may or may not have feelings for me. This is my formal response to say that—

 

Juyeon-ah. You’ve been super obvious about wanting to—

 

Instead, it goes like this.

 

“Hi,” Kevin squeaks out and Juyeon, startled by the sound, looks up and his face eases into a smile instantly. Kevin’s heart soars.

 

“Hey Kevin. What’s up?” Juyeon puts his phone down and sips innocuously at his coffee.

 

“I know you like me,” Kevin blurts out like the words would kill him the longer they stayed in his throat. Juyeon’s eyes widen comically before he puts down his coffee, getting the condensation on both him and Kevin with the ferocity that he slams it down at.

 

“Sorry?” he responds, guilt clouding his eyes and Kevin’s stomach lurches.

 

“Why would—I’m the one who should be sorry.”

 

“What for?” The practice room is not the most ideal environment for this to be taking place but Kevin isn’t picky. He managed to get Juyeon alone and now he just has to go for it. That is easier said than done, when Juyeon looks at him like that.

 

“I’ve known for a while now… I just didn’t know what to say so I pretended I didn’t know. But then Jaehyun hyung told me I needed to talk to you because—” Juyeon gestures for him to go on and Kevin shakes his head, laughing nervously.

 

“Anyways! I just wanted to say that…”

 

“You’re killing me here with the suspense,” Juyeon says so seriously that Kevin wants to double over in genuine laughter but he bites his lip so he doesn’t, hoping it doesn’t come off disgusting or creepy.

 

“I have a free day now, since I don’t host Simply K-pop anymore,” Kevin says, hoping that the underlying message gets through. Juyeon blinks slowly.

 

“Which means?...” The ability to read between the lines is teasing the non-existent line with Juyeon. He should be grateful that he’s got perceptive qualities in other aspects of his life and well, that he’s not too sore on the eyes either.

 

“We could go on a date. If you want to. Whatever that means since you know, people could recognise us. I mean, we could only do like half hour trips or even just stay in and order food, which I know isn’t that different to what we usually do—”

 

“I would love to go on a date with you.” Kevin lied. Juyeon’s eyes bleed gold and the way he leans in, dazed at the idea of going out and spending time together… that alone could set anyone on fire. Juyeon pulls him in for a hug and Kevin readily reciprocates, practically melting in Juyeon’s embrace. The way they settle in so easily like this is a sign that they should have done this way earlier.

 

Decked out in padding and beanies and scarves, Juyeon feels confident enough to hold Kevin’s hand while they trudge through the snow. Kevin gives him a knowing smile through all of his outerwear before dragging him to a brick wall.

 

“Person who makes the best snowman gets a kiss!”

Juyeon laughs loudly and scrambles to find the good snow before Kevin gets his hands on it. With enough luck, five dollars, a dream, and then some, maybe you can score yourself the love of your life too.