musings vi: but you have broken down my defences, and i don’t really resent it

[caihong]

long time no dreamwidth! i am back with another musing for my gift fic for the kaia in my life, ao3 user smartlove, twt user heejinsbian, resident swiftie orbitzen and avid marknoist, but you have broken down my defences, and i don’t really resent it. it's a story of trans nb jeno yearning over their childhood best friend mark, and all the pain in between:

• the title: inspired by the renowned letter from vita sackville-west to virginia woolf with the beginning line of "i am reduced to a thing that wants virginia" - very much pandering to kaia and their interests (aka sapphic literary legends yearning for each other via the written word) but the letter truly captures jeno's feelings towards mark but make that Unrequited and hence, all the more painful [deranged smile]

• inspiration: kaia? i sound like a broken record and like i'm in love with them but i really am just fuelled by our conversations and their passions that contribute their overall online presence crudely chipped away to approximately three; taylor swift, markno, and the indescribable feelings that comes with an entrenched devotion to your best friend who simply doesn't look at you the way you want them to. but also, here's a list of taylor swift songs i listened to for this fic thanks to my friends qy, anu, aris + jan!
  • invisible string 
  • long story short
  • mary's song
  • seven
  • it's nice to have a friend
  • dorothea
  • fifteen
  • you belong with me
  • dress

• the premise: this cc that kaia sent me and i wrote this domestic pre-parents!markno for them and was like... hm, what if i made it a Fic. i changed the pronouns for jeno for the fic and characterised them accordingly. 

• "Mark was their hyung who knew how to play the guitar with his tiny hands that were the same size as Jeno’s," - the constant hand-size comparisons markno do on camera...

• "...sitting out on the porch and watching the rain, earphones in and battered iPod by his side." - inspired by our song and betty by taylor swift ("I was walkin' up the front porch steps after everything that day," and "Will you kiss me on the porch / In front of all your stupid friends?" respectively)

• "No matter what, it was them against the world and if Renjun didn’t want to hear Jeno’s side, nevertheless their apology for not realising the gravity of their actions, for which in eighth grade, was incredibly significant, then so be it." - yr 8 seems to be The Year i choose for heartbreak (see summertime is meant to fall in love) and transgirl renjun is dramatic as hell.

• "There was Heejin, whom Mark had been smitten with since she sang a Frank Ocean song at their school talent show and Jeno could not bring themself to hate her no matter how hard they tried." - heejin being mark's first gf! very self-indulgent but also again, while thinking of kaia. heejin is jeno's best friend here very much to fulfil kaia and i's headcanons that they are Indeed best friends who hang out all the time and possibly skateboard with each other. i made heejin mark's 'best' partner in jeno's pov because she poses as the most painless heartbreak mark could have had and for once, a somewhat mature high school relationship. but also because i love jeon heejin and i too think she's the best <3

• "Donghyuck was loud, fun, fresh, and nothing like Jeno." - in another world, marknohyuck is alive and well but that world is not this one. i have a love-hate r/s with mahae but overall, i wanted to play into donghyuck and jeno being not-strangers-not-friends for this relationship of mark's. kaia and i are self-claimed irl markhyuck soulmates for 1. we are 10 months apart and 2. will at all times perpetrate our own 'summer 2019 fight'  so this was very much indulgent Yet Again.

• "It’s relishing in the attention that Mark gave them, all bright smiles and his hand on their neck, squeezing with practised ease, and his arm constantly slung around their shoulder as if it didn’t bring more than just physical weight down on them. Jeno hates the way they’ve been conditioned to react to Mark, curving into his side like they were made to, when there is so much out there for them. So many more people out there who would love them back the way they’ve always wanted Mark too." - this entire bit is to show jeno's inherent weakness for mark. also the fact that physical touch is DEFINITELY one of jeno's love languages. also that last line is supposed to pre-empt/foreshadow jeno's growing confidence in themself. i didn't want jeno to be characterised as insecure throughout the entire fic, to think that if mark didn't want them like that, nobody would—it's the distinction that they love mark despite the fact that so many people would love to treat jeno with the same devotion as they offer mark at this moment.

• "The field has never felt emptier, their graduation gowns littered with grass stains as they lay starfished out under the sky." - i am emotionally attached to markno soccer boys and deep and meaningful talks on the field (see if this is love, i know it's true)

• "Under the skies, shades of blue, purple, and pink blurring in a kaleidoscope that Jeno can’t tear their eyes away from, despite the beautiful boy that lays beside them, they wonder if they’ll ever be able to live without it." - the sky colours are shades of the bi flag [waves poms poms] + the beautiful boy mention is homage to richard siken's poem from 'crush', named 'you are jeff'.

• "“Like you said, today isn’t the end.” I have eternity to tell you how much you mean to me. Mark chuckles, and raises his brow." - the line in italics is supposed to reference the fact that jeno is convinced that they'll be able to show mark how much they love him versus telling him straight up. eternity is how long they'll need to show him truly how much they love him.

• "“Just having you with me all this time, makes me feel better you know? Thank you for the past thirteen years, knucklehead.”" - that silly line mark said on that lifetime show about having jeno by his side, making him feel better or whatever... lord they just be saying these things on camera... this line isn't even FICTIONAL

• "Jiwoo is so nice. She’s great, wonderful, another angel incarnate, and someone who Jeno found themself excited to meet in class and outside of class too." - jenchuu besties!

• "Compared to Jiwoo, Donghyuck at least had the gall to tell Mark that he was somewhat of a rebound." / "Jiwoo, having been unable to get over the fact that Jungeun had left her, relished in Mark’s attention like it was the blood of the Gods, glowing gold and warm to the touch." - inferred chuulip and mark being jiwoo's rebound... </3 jiwoo had to be the bad guy here, but even then i tried to make it so the characterisation of jiwoo as someone you had to forgive for it... or maybe i am just partial to jiwoo but... i hope readers forgave her for what she did.

• "Tipping point came sooner than expected, where clear liquid, a relationship that could still stand on its own, shifts red with a drop too many of a lie here, a late night there, an unanswered call to top it off." - another titration reference... it's a disease... this obsession with chemistry metaphors... so in titrations, you drop an indicator into your conical flask and you can calculate the acidity/basicity of a liquid. the equivalence point is where the liquid changes colour and thus, "shifts red with a drop too many of a lie here, a late night there, an unanswered call to top it off" as you have to be meticulous with the rate at which you drop the indicator into the flask as it occurs very suddenly and quickly and could potentially ruin your calculations by a significant amount. 

• "If today was the day to break the chain that had Jeno falling back-first into the ocean, then so be it. " - a continuation of the anchor metaphor that i adore using in my writing. neopunch/caihongs motif brain-rot. 

• "torment that doesn’t ebb even when the credits roll in." - wordplay baby! credits 'rolling in' = waves, and torment 'ebbing' = the ebb and flow of water.

• "Jeno is sad, and doesn’t do much with their free time because everything they were even inclined to pick up or continue reminds them of eyes that held more than just stars and black hair fanned out against their bedsheets after a long night out. They’d always share their fleeting goals and interests with Mark, only for Mark to actually encourage them eagerly and Jeno to jot them down in their journal for a rainy day." - this reminds me of an episode of the tablo podcast (a podcast that was hosted by tablo from epik high, it's super funny definitely recommend!) where a listener submitted their question of wanting to learn korean but having that hobby tied to a long-term relationship they had where them and their ex used to learn korean together and hence, deterring them greatly. because jeno promised to do all of these things with mark, it pains them to even think about starting hobbies.

• "They’re in a dress Mark hasn’t seen before, and Jeno, despite looking rougher than usual, is still as beautiful as they’ve always been. Long legs accentuated by the length of the dress, paired with a pair of sneakers and an oversized pullover that Mark does recognise, they look… good." - kaia has convinced me that jeno looks great in a skirt. and hence, here is jeno, in a skirt

• "“You know—I bought this dress for you.” / Mark stills. Jeno doesn’t open their eyes. / “Bought it so you could take it off.” / Mark doesn’t think before he slips out of Jeno’s room, out the door and onto the street." - the dress reference! the DRESS REFERENCE! many thanks to janis for the perfect recommendation that seals the deal for jeno's confession and mark's realisation that he needs jeno more than he ever thought he did ("Say my name and everything just stops / I don't want you like a best friend / Only bought this dress so you could take it off" - the lyrics are literally perfect)

• "Tied to his existence is Jeno Lee and their inability to say no until someone comes up to them with enough heartbreak to fill a coffin and there comes a breaking point." - this is mark's own anchor and admittance to himself that he's probably hurt them beyond repair and gone past the breaking point (alludes back to the tipping point!)

• "And yet, as if the Gods were laughing at them, for being so foolish and believing they could ever escape, the invisible string tying them to Mark withstands it all." - ding ding! invisible string reference

• "“I can learn to. Jeno, all this time, you’ve— you’ve always been too good for me."" - this isn't like a 'hey, let's try dating each other and seeing if it works' but a 'i know i love you, but i want to learn to love you in the same capacity that you love me'

• "When the bystander becomes the active participant, it puts them in a whole new world of peril." - bystander metaphor comes through again!

• "He tells them a second time when they’re out trying out their first dance class with none other than Donghyuck as their teacher, and Jeno doesn’t hear him over the sound of Blackpink through the speakers." - donghyuck as their dance teacher... teaching them aityl <3

• "It sounds like a dream, and for the most part it is. And how they get here, Jeno ready to propose to the man they’ve looked at like the stars littered in that cloudy pink mist of a sky back home on top of that field, ready to parent a child with, and spend forever, for better or worst with is well—long story short, Jeno chose to believe in Mark Lee’s first and last lie." - long story short reference! 

me @ me: do you ever shut up sometimes? anyways i hope you enjoyed! i might do the markren one another day since this took so long T____T