caihong | musings vii: getting in a car with a beautiful boy (and other horrific decisions)

i rushed a majority of this in a day but it came out okay! thank god! #markrenss20 was so fun to participate in and i got to read so many wonderful works that make my heart soar every time i revisit them. anyways onto renjun being an idiot and our golden boy mark lee. this is going to be more of an author-commentary? versus me being purposeful and selective with my similes and overall phrasing so i hope you enjoy it nevertheless ><

the premise: i had an idea based on my parents swapping places when driving when my dad was too tired to keep on going and my brain went: love language? which gave me the idea to write a road trip!au.

the title: derived from you are jeff by richard siken. very cool poem- my favourite thing about his poetry is the use of first person. it makes all of his writing so personal, engaging, and impactful in the way the diction comes out if you read it aloud but also in your head!

“It was again at Yukhei’s gigantic house, where you could be dying at one end and someone on the other end wouldn’t be able to hear you at all, and Mark had suffered an unfortunate case of a triple-crown rock, paper, scissors loss, having to chug an entire jug of the horrific punch that Yangyang made as a result, and feeling ill at the quarter-mark.” - i thought this was arguably the funniest line i wrote. fun fact: the ‘dying at one end and someone on the other end wouldn’t be able to hear you at all’ was paraphrased by shane on the buzzfeed unsolved episode about jonbenet ramsey.

“ So Renjun doesn’t want to take advantage of sloppy, heart hung out to dry, limbs splayed across the couch and on Renjun’s thigh, Mark Lee, because he knows he’d hate to be in that position himself.” - i liked how the characterisation of renjun came out here! to be considerate even when in an unfavourable position like this.

“Much like placating a young child when they’ve experienced something horrific that you know will score an indelible mark on their memory and childhood. Take divorce for an instance. Too dark? If it wasn’t glaringly obvious, Renjun does not want to be consoling a heartbroken Mark Lee at 3AM on a Saturday.” - the unfavourable position in question.

““Hey, I think you guys would look that good together too, Mark.” Renjun says calmly, dropping the softness for honesty, which although inebriated-Mark can’t appreciate now, Renjun himself will be at ease knowing he followed his moral compass some what tonight.” - me, a markxiao shipper.

“Maybe it’s Renjun’s partiality to finding people most attractive when they’re dismantled to show their most vulnerable parts, all mangled wires and rusty screws.” - another fragment of renjun's characterisation! the importance of vulnerability as a factor into why he feels like mark is out for his neck because he feels as if he took advantage of him. also not at renjun finding mark hot even when he's a mess [smiles]

"So maybe he is feeding Mark a white lie, but if he keeps looking at him like this, Renjun, dazedly, doesn’t know if he wants to stop." - renjun has had the hots for mark since day 1 and he didn't even know it!

"The proper capitalisation and punctuation sends Renjun into a tailspin. It sounds like Mark really means that and not in a euphemistic ‘don’t thank me, it’s no problem’ way but a ‘don’t mention a word at all’, or even a ‘don’t speak to me at all’." - a personal projection of my own texting anxiety and overthinking...

““I think it’s just the lack of Gen Z textspeak, baby. If he wrote it with one exclamation mark, three abbreviations, and emojis littered throughout the whole thing, you wouldn’t bat an eye.” Jaemin lets the term of endearment slip, and Renjun whines, letting Jaemin coddle him with a hug.” - i am in love with the idea of renmin as affectionate roommates.

“The smiley face does something irreparable to Renjun’s emotional psyche, and he is violently reminded of Mark’s inherent kindness and inability to show any hatred even over the easiest channel to express such disdain—text.” - not to toot my own horn but i genuinely LOVED writing renjun’s dramatic character. it might be ooc or just too much, but i found it 1. very funny 2. suited the context best and it can be argued that renjun’s dramatic tendencies are a plot device in itself!

NOTE: i think jaemin and i are the same person—sue me for writing similar personality traits for this handsome bastard.

“Renjun goes for the eggs and decides on a fried egg, rice, and Chinese fermented pickles that his parents had given him in bulk the last time he came home.” - this is my go-to breakfast when there’s nothing to eat home LOL i’m not sure if everyone else eats these chinese pickles but you usually have them with plain congee :]

“ There should be an apology language in the vein of making food for someone, right?” - this is very much derived from “i love you. i want us to both eat well.” (christopher citro) or the asian-diasporic experience!

“Renjun feels a little bit of an idiot, standing with his legs shoulder-width apart, looking and feeling very much a stranger in this house, warm tupperware box still in his hands.” - he looks like the standing man emoji for reference.

“There is something very comforting about seeing a twenty-something college boy ravenously eating your food, nevertheless if it’s only the fried egg that you made.” - re: watching someone eat your food is in the same vein of food as a love language.

"“I’d love that, actually. Haven’t been to that place in a while—d’ya think the owners still have that brown pomeranian that always barks at customers?”” - there is indeed an asian convenience store in my area that has a brown pomeranian that always barks at customers. it’s stupidly cute but a real pain every time you go in.

“Mark turns on the engine and backs out of the spot and does that thing. His hand goes grip the back of Renjun’s headrest as he reverses out and Renjun might just die.” - [cackles] renjun was just as much as a peruser of justgirlythings as we all were.

““It’d be rude of me to say no when I’m practically driving to the exact same place as you, if anything, just the street over. It’s fine Jun.”” - it’s integral to the caihongs/neopunch brand to include a little slip of the nickname.

“This song is a guilty pleasure, something Renjun only sings passionately in the shower, but he makes this an exception to show Mark that yes, he does unironically enjoy Justin Bieber as well.” - the canon tidbit i wanted desperately to sprinkle in here because it’s a road trip requisite to do karaoke in the car.

“Mark holds the door for him, which must be the umpteenth thing that happened today that makes Renjun’s heart skip a beat when it shouldn’t...” - yes, mark is the most chivalrous man renjun has ever encountered.

“In his defence, who isn’t interested in Mark Dreamboat Lee? He’s handsome, plays the guitar, has this endearing cackle for a laugh, a stunning smile and sparkly eyes if Renjun’s ever seen them, and is so endlessly kind to everyone and anyone. He’s perfect.” - everybody loves mark disease!

“Mark almost trips on the ice before he falls unceremoniously back into the driver’s seat and Renjun lets out a soulless laugh at that. What is it about clumsy boys that makes them so easy to adore?” - i’m slowly realising at how this fic is a partial manifestation of my own thoughts and call-backs to previous fics (see: jisung in band fic)

this was more fun on my end to read this after a while and it shows just how deeply imbedded the markrenist chip is inside my brain! watch out for another musings in a few hours maybe